But do you love me?
by SydneyAusten
Summary: Peeta and Katniss have a long overdue conversation & confession. This story is post-Mockingjay and pre-epilogue.
1. the question

_Please remember, I do not own either the characters/plots/words of either Suzanne Collins who wrote the Hunger Games Series. All rights belong to her. She owns and deserves all the credit for those. I am merely inspired by her amazing works._

Returning home was not what Peeta had imagined it would be. Living in his prior Victor home felt so different from before the war. Walking around it he felt loneliness and a void in it that he never felt before. It was stark and cold despite the vibrant paints that colored the walls. Maybe it was because his family would never walk through that door. Maybe it was because he was not the same person he was prior to his hijacking. The original Peeta with all of his romantic notions of love, goodness and hope had vanished. The last of it burning away in that square on that final day when he was unable to save those he needed to save. Since that day time has held little meaning for him. The days blend into the nights, the nights into the days. His nightmares intermingled with his dreamlike wanderings during the days.

He had rarely felt as clear as he did the day he planted those primroses. There were moments of clarity. They were becoming more frequent since they had begun the memory book. In fact, he realized the more time he spent with her the more the fog was beginning to lift. He began to notice the changes in her too. They were not the same scared kids they were the day of the reaping nor were they the happy pair they were the last day before the quell on the training center roof. They were somewhere in between or somewhere completely new. It was hard to tell most days. But there were moments when he saw it - the look in her eyes during her stolen glances. At times he sees her eyes searching for him and there is spark there. Every now and then he feels that fire that once used to burn. There is that desire he used to feel for her. And then it goes away as quickly as it comes. Fleeting moments of happiness ~ left to burn away in his memory. They are embers that flicker away before he can grasp their meaning which has long since been convoluted in misery and tension. He longs for the warmth and the comfort they used to bring each other. It ran so much deeper than just the actual physical warmth of their bodies on those nights they comforted each other through their nightmares. Now there were just the deep void and long hard nights. He wondered if there was a chance that things may ever improve if that void could ever be filled…

Gradually, the void began to fill. As the months went by Katniss and Peeta found themselves in each other's company more often than not. The days began to meld into the nights. Meals and sleep became a shared experience. Time was spent on their own endeavors. Katniss hunted while Peeta rebuilt his bakery. These routine activities did not stop the nightmares or the flashbacks but they were there for each other to minimize the damage. They worked through the memories, the guilt and the anger together. Haymitch would occasionally join them in all shades of sobriety and drunkenness. But anyone could tell that this was something that they were best able to help each other with. So much had been taken from them in the games and the war, but they had been given each other. And that was proving to be something neither seemed to be able to live without. After months of being alone it felt so good to finally not be lonely. They would often drift away into peaceful moments where they might even feel normal. It was during these times that Peeta would actually feel like he was home. He had wondered if he would ever be able to feel that after all he had been through. But it was a true home that he felt when they were in each other's arms ~ real security and love... It was a new, and yet an old sensation. Even the new Peeta was beginning to feel what the original Peeta felt and that was love. Slowly their love was resurrecting from the ashes. What he needed now was more than just the few kisses and embraces they had shared. What he needed was confirmation that Katniss was feeling the same things. He had been misled before by his misperceptions. What he needed was to remove that doubt that had haunted that filled his fears before. And so encouraged by the orange glow of the sunset he decided to ask her.

"Do you love me?" He said in an almost whisper to her as she rested in his arms.


	2. a promise

_Please remember, I do not own either the characters/plots/words of either Suzanne Collins who wrote the Hunger Games Series. All rights belong to her. She owns and deserves all the credit for those. I am merely inspired by her amazing works. This story is post-Mockingjay and pre-epilogue._

Katniss memorized by the sunset seemed to not hear him. Or perhaps she was biding her time... hoping to avoid the inescapable moment when she may have to answer that question. When she may have to finally not only feel but voice her feelings. Just a few more moments before her world inevitably changed again.

"Katniss, I'm asking you a question. Do you love me or not?" but this time with more confidence in his tone.

"You know I can't answer that… Not now…" she whispered.

"Why is it so hard for you to answer me?" frustration sinking into his tone now.

"It's not hard. Why is it so hard for you to let it just be? Why do you need an answer so badly?" she asked in almost pleading tone.

"I could just let it be, but we know that it is not good for us to avoid things. We do best when we talk though things when they arise. And honestly, I would prefer that we not avoid this question anymore. It means too much to me to have to wonder about this elephant in the room. Don't you feel the happiness we share now? Do you not feel that it may be love? It certainly feels like more…" he said.

But she cut him off before he could finish his question. "Peeta, you fight with words and I evade. It's been that way for so long. I evade and I avoid just about everything. That is what I do. I avoid things. I avoid emotions. I avoid what is hard. I'm not strong enough anymore to conquer my fears or concerns. I run away because I cannot face those things. What I can't defeat I flee from. Most of all, I try to learn to just be without needing them. I can't seem to find a way …"

"Why are you so afraid? Who are you so afraid to face?" Now it was his time to cut her off.

"Myself. I see them everywhere, everyone we lost because of me. I can't see myself without thinking that they should be here instead of me. I can't face myself in the mirror without seeing the person responsible for so much loss…" as tears begin to fill her eyes as Katniss disentangles herself from his arms and move away from him.

"We did not lose anyone because of you. We lost many people but not because of you… War is heartless and cruel. The hunger games were senseless. But you were not responsible for those. In fact, you sacrificed and fought with so many of these people to change our world. To make it a place where people would no longer be pieces in another's game. We fought to find some sense and justice in the world. Together we fought so that everyone may have the opportunity to enjoy life, not just the privileged few. Your actions did not take - they gave…" He pleads with her. But she was moving further and further away from him.

"But it should have been me. I was supposed to die, not them, not her… certainly not her, not after everything I did to save her" as more tears fill her eyes.

"No one was supposed to die. Well maybe Snow, but he deserved it. Those who fought in the rebellion understood the risks. We accepted that there may be sacrifices and loss. So would likely die, but it was not on anyone's specific plan or agenda…" trying to convince her, willing her to turn around and face him.

"I was". She states in a cold chilling tone.

"Ok. When was this plan? Before or after the rebellion? When Katniss did you believe that the world would be so much better without you in it? I find it very hard to believe that there was ever a time that this would be true. Why is it that your life means so little to you?" imploring her.

"It does not mean so little. It means a great deal to me. I would trade it all in just to get them back. I would surrender every heartbeat to protect and defend those I love. I would bargain away my existence … to extract justice for the crimes done against them. It is not that my life means so little, but rather it means everything. It always has, if my life can gain what is needed for those that I love then it is forfeit" she expresses in a haunting tone.

"I understand that notion and as someone who has experienced this devotion personally. I not only appreciate it but I am indebted to you. But what would your losing your life gain for them now? You have already killed Coin and Snow. The old regime is gone. Paylor is running the country with equality and fairness. Those that we lost are being memorialized in monuments, in books, in our memories, and in our futures. Our lives take on more value because we have to carry their hopes and dreams with us. Look a little Flynn… beyond Finnick being here what better way to honor his legacy than by having his son live in a free world. It is a crime that he will not be here to watch his son grow up. But he will be here in our hearts always. And we will teach Flynn what we remember. We will help him grow in love and honor his father's memory that way. A legacy of love is what we will give to him and what he will give to others. After all, isn't that what Annie said in her letter. Finnick may not be here but a part of his love remains. That is why she added the l to his name. He is not just named for his father, but for their love - his love, their love and the love of all that remember him. We can't fail him now by giving up. Surrendering our lives would not repay the debt that is owed" Peeta proclaims. He longs for her to turn around so he can touch her again. She is shaking again. He feels her starting to fall into that abyss again. He has worked so hard to fill this void between them, he cannot lose her again.

"But I can't do it" she barely is able to say it amongst the tears and the sobs that are beginning to wrack her body. "I am not worthy of love. I fail all those I love. Love is not a viable option for me. There is no opportunity in believing that my love is capable to do anything beyond harm. Gale and my mother recognized this curse and leave me be. Haymitch comes and goes as we all know but even he keeps his distance. My love destroys. I truly wish you would realize this fact and let me be. Save yourself. I'm no good. I do not deserve your pity … not your concern. I appreciate the past few months, but we both know that it is time…" as tears begin to well in her eyes again.

He cannot see her tears but he can hear them. He can feel every drop as they sting her cheeks and his heart. "It is not pity…" tears beginning in his eyes now.

"Isn't it? Why else would you be here? What else could bring you to my door day after day? I am a murderer and war criminal. I stood by and let me sister die. I stood by helpless as I watched my world destroyed. Everything lost because of my selfishness. I have been naïve in thinking that I could overcome that. I wish I had been able to take that pill so many months ago. Why can't you just let me go?" Katniss pleads angrily not able to overcome the tears now freely falling. She is angry at herself for losing her control. She is angry at him for forcing her into this moment.

"Because I promised…" he exclaims. And with that her curiosity begins to turn her back around. She needs to see his face. She needs to know that what he speaks is the truth.


	3. a secret

_Please remember, I do not own either the characters/plots/words of either Suzanne Collins who wrote the Hunger Games Series. All rights belong to her. She owns and deserves all the credit for those. I am merely inspired by her amazing works._

He can see the little bit of spark beginning to return to her eyes. This statement has caught her off guard.

"I thought we came to an understanding on the beach on what our promises to each other were. Our promises began to counteract each other. Working so hard to save the other and yet failing to do so in the end. I did not hold up to my promise when I abandoned you in the last arena and so many times before and after that. Your renewal of your promise is well intentioned, but not needed. Others deserve your efforts and your promise not me. Others deserve so much more". Her tears subsiding a little bit as her frustration begins to percolate through her body. She is so tired of fighting this point with him.

"It's not just you I promised." He states clearly as he wipes the wetness from his face. He thought we both can't break down into tears now. He knew they needed all their strengths to get through this conversation.

"Who else did you promise?" she questions confused by this turn of events.

"Your sister" he declares. Again he caught her by surprise. Maybe she was distracted by her grief or something, but he was also thinking that maybe he was beginning to get under her armor just a bit.

"When?" jolted back to clarity by his confession. Katniss slowly felt her body returning to herself. Her mind was beginning to center again. She was staring at him now. Those deep blue eyes were threatening to swallow her whole. She would not drown again. She was going to need courage to fight off this attack. Her walls could not sustain their protection if he was able to get under them again.

"Prior to the Victory tour and just before we left for the quarter quell. Also that last time she visited me in District 13 in one of my clearer moments" Peeta states. He could see her mind turning away at this new information.

"But she never mentioned it. When could you have talked to her? Beyond wanting to kill me in District 13, how is it that she was able to get you to promise anything besides hurting me? When were you clear enough to make her these promises, and how are you able to remember them now? You seemed so far away from yourself for so long" Katniss mutters clearly exasperated by her ignorance.

"Just because we were not friends at times prior to the rebellion does not mean that I was not friendly with her. We shared some common interests and it was lonely in my new neighborhood with so many of my neighbors ignoring me. She was a kind and loving soul. I could understand why you volunteered to protect her in the hunger games. She was like the little sister that I never had. We became close. She encouraged me never to give up on you. In District 13, she tried so hard to help reverse the hijacking. I'd like to think it was out of friendship for me, but I know she was driven by some other need too. She was so desperate to return me back to me; I think it was her love for you that spurred her on. She seemed to think that successfully reversing the hijacking was not only necessary for my survival but also maybe for you. She was far more perceptive and caring than was good for her" he acknowledges. He was grateful now that she was facing him. She had to see this truth on his face. He wanted her to know, he loved Prim too.

"Why would she do that? Why would she jeopardize her safety to protect me?" her tone inquiring, her posture still a little defensive.

"Because she understood you Katniss, … probably better than yourself then and maybe even now. She was intuitive about people except her arrows pierced other people's souls not a squirrel's eye. Where your strength lied in the woods, her strength was with people. She could penetrate beyond the surface and truly get to their inner workings. It is also because at her core she loved you unconditionally and wanted you to be happy – I believe she still does" he asserts. Gradually Peeta could see that his words were having an effect. Slowly, he could see her body beginning to relax. Her stance was still stern but her features were beginning to soften. Her shoulders were returning to neutral.

"How can you be so sure of that now? She may no longer love me or want me to be happy after I took away her ability to experience that. Maybe she might have prior to me being responsible for her death, but not now." Her face painfully etched with grief as she speaks.

"Do you really think she would change her mind in death? You did not you send her to the frontlines. You did not drop those parachutes. It was Coin and her evil plans for revenge and retribution. It was not you. She volunteered because she wanted to make a difference, not because you sent her anywhere to die. Just like you volunteered to save her, she wanted to save others too. Katniss you have done so much over the years that protected her and with your work as the Mockingjay you saved so many others. It was not a matter of us failing to protect her… It was just randomness of life and evil. We did all we could to protect her. But sometimes fires cannot be stopped. Sometimes it destroys rather than just scars. We did all we could in that moment to try to rescue her. She would not want us to dwell on what we were not able to do. Her life was about loving and caring for others. That is how we honor her... by caring for others, by finding a way to love again…" earnestly hoping his conviction can convince her.

"You keep on mentioning we. How is it we? You were not there. I was the one that could not get to her in the square that day. I was not able to protect me sister from the flames. Not we" her shoulders turning in on itself essentially closing herself off again.

He knew his time was running out. He needed to convince her soon before she was lost again. This conversation was closest they had gotten to helping permanently break down those walls between them. Closest they were to being able to move forward and not stagnate here. "It was us. We both were unable to save her that day." He utters.

"What do you mean by that? How did you get all those scars Peeta? She demands.

"Which ones?" he laughs hoping a little humor will lighten the mood.

He sees it just for a brief moment as the corner of her lips peak up into an almost smile. "Your burns from the fire, don't try to distract me now". Her anger is beginning to dissipate. She knows her body is beginning to betray her. His warmth as usual is beginning to melt her reserve.

"I got them trying to pull her and then you out". He states bluntly. No need to hide it now.


	4. Opposite of hate

_Please remember, I do not own either the characters/plots/words of either Suzanne Collins who wrote the Hunger Games Series. All rights belong to her. She owns and deserves all the credit for those. I am merely inspired by her amazing works._

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR FABULOUS REVIEWS AND STORY/FAV ALERTS! I am truly touched by your interest in my little version. Hopefully you will enjoy these upcoming chapters.

Ch 4

"But why?" Her curiosity is so hungry now. Her desire to find out is burning her with each passing moment.

"Because you loved her. Because no one deserves to die in flames. Because her safety was important to you. But I think mostly because I loved you… Because I never wanted you to lose the one person that meant more than your own life, knowing what it may do to you. I sensed that your commitment and love for her may pull you under in the turmoil that comes with death. But also because her love for you and the world meant that there could be hope for love and life. That is why I planted the bushes to remind us that there is love in this world worth fighting for. A love that runs so deep and true that it lives long after those who have embraced it have parted from this world". As he spoke his tears were beginning to overwhelm him. He wanted so long to be able to hold her in this moment. But he knew not to push it at this moment. Her face was just beginning to awaken to new possibilities.

"But weren't you still hijacked? You were so altered, not able to remember so much…" now mumbling with simultaneous doubt and maybe a little bit of hope.

"Not that. I don't think I ever forgot that I loved you. That is why the Capitol was so violent and brutal in trying to make the hijacking stick. The usual methods were just not as successful in my case. The roots of my emotional connection with you were buried too deep. My strong aversion and anger to you, I think led them to believe that they finally were successful. But truly it was just the raw strength of my emotions. My love got translated as hatred because I couldn't understand so much of what was happening to me and those around me. Someone once told me that the opposite of love is not hate but rather apathy. And I was never and could never be apathetic to you. Even in my darkest moments you were always a powerful force. My passion for you was too deep. Sadly, they tried to mold it to for their own cruel means. They were at least partially successful as the choking incident proved. But with each violent outburst gradually their influence began to chip away. I didn't realize it then but I can see it know. There were moments when original Peeta would be present. I was so confused at times that I would fight with him in my head trying to maintain any sense of control. I knew that if I lost control, I could not guarantee which version would emerge and what damage I might do or not do. I think they knew that they were never going to be fully successful in converting me. I think they believed that they had instilled enough anger to fuel their mutt version. The futility in their actions became obvious; I think that is why they let me go so easily. They realized I was a lost cause. They let me be rescued hoping that their results would either finally break you or that I would lose control and the mutt would destroy you. And it almost did that first night, and for that I will be eternally regretful. I'm so sorry for that." His voice echoing with the horror of what he did and they suffered.

"It did…" he can barely hear her whisper. "Thank you, but you don't need…"

"Yes I do and please let me finish." He is adamant that he will explain now before he loses his courage. He spent so many years being afraid to tell her what he thought and knew. He was still Peeta, but he was changed. He was not going to allow his fear of this confession control him. "I think as I spent time in District 13 and the venom began to wear off. The shininess of the memories began to fade a bit. But a lot of the hurt remained. Not all of what the Capitol manipulated was false. There had always been an emotional imbalance towards us. I was always more in love with you than was probably healthy considering you did not share the same thoughts. I didn't know what was true and what was exaggerated and what was just an outface lie. But the hurt was raw and painful regardless of whether the memory was true or false. Prim helped with that. She encouraged me not to give up on you. She explained how you operated. How survival was so primal that you did not necessarily even see your own emotions or motivations. But she knew that you cared about me in so way. Trust me she said, those berries would not have been her choice if she did not care about you. She knew you cared for me deeply when I became part of your survival equation. She also knew that you had no idea what your heart or your head was telling you about our connection or the deep power it came to possess. She began to help me see that there were different shades and variants to our relationship. That we were not just star-crossed lovers or pawns in a game, that without realizing it we were becoming integral to our mutual survivals even if we could not place it in a clearly defined role. Similar to how Gale and you had mutually aided your survivals for years, we had also become partners." He was beginning to babble but this statement got her attention. How long had Prim understood so much and revealed so little? How long has it been so transparent to others and yet opaque to her?

Peeta noticed her quizzical stare. It was similar to the one he had seen Finnick give in the Quarter Quell video after he revived him. He continued though ~ "she made me realize that I couldn't walk away from our connection then any more than I could now. It was a promise we had made to at least see each other through to safety. If hijacking couldn't break our connection, how did I expect to be able to do it? I owed it to us to at least try to remember the truth and fight my way back. She was a wise little woman. She helped me understand what love truly meant. It didn't necessarily mean all the romantic overture and notions that the audience loved to fixate on. It was deeper than that. It was accepting the reality of a situation and helping those you loved through it regardless of whether it benefitted you in the end. I thought I understood it, but she made me see that it was more than just being noble. Every day began a different experiment to break the hijacking. I thought it might just break me. But I began to see that it was an opportunity to watch so many of our moments without the rosy glasses of my boyhood fantasy. As my head tried to pick apart the true from the false memories, I think my heart was trying to grab onto fragments to piece together us again. Coin might have sent me to kill you on that final mission. But I was coming to see if there was anything left that remained of our supposed connection. I had to know that I had not imagined so many of the emotions and feelings I felt." He paused to take a break. He wanted it all out there but maybe tonight was not the night?

"It's true then, just like I thought you began to hate me because you finally saw the real me. For the first time I was no longer just the perfect vision you created of me." She uttered as her face became heavy with sadness Peeta had wished he could wipe away so many times.

"Not real" It worked for him so many times… maybe this little game could help her too. "I did not hate you. I was very mad. Like I said before the emotions were so raw. Our conversations were so charged with unexpressed emotions on both ends. I was working through so much and was so frustrated by you, by me, by the situation. It was not hatred for you. Most days it was just a baseline hatred for everything. But I did not hate you. I hated myself for being so naïve. I hated Snow for torturing me. But you I could never really hate you, even if it meant relief from the agonies I was experiencing in my head and body." He speaks the words as he absently rubs one of the many injection scars from the venom on his arm. Similar to the cuffs, he has found comfort in physically reminding himself of the danger and pain.

She notices his new nervous habit. At least, the rubbing is at least not as bad as the pacing. It is much better than the tapping of his foot. That rhythmic agitation is too reminiscent of the boy she saw on the screen from her helpless spot in district 13. Gone are the still and calm arms that she used to long for… "But you were so much more than just angry. You were unrecognizable. Volatility and aggression seemed to be your best friends. It was more than anger that seemed to bubble behind your eyes" Behind those deep crystal blue eyes that were her heaven now she thought. If only they could stay peaceful now, like a calm sea. She had since enough of the treacherous blue they possessed when taken over by a cruel memory. She did not want to drown in that ocean again. "You were so angry…" she whimpers.

"Of course, I was angry." He shouts. She can see the bubbles beginning to percolate behind his eyes. This conversation is not going to end well. Even he is beginning to feel his faltering control. He needs to keep his cool. He needs to keep her calm. She may be the hunter, but she is also the wounded animal this time. Scaring her is not going to accomplish anything. She will only recoil from him and they will be at square one. So he takes a deep breath. Deeper like he is trying to breath all the mountain air that now floats freely through their town as the ashes have all been cleared away. "I had been tortured. People around me were being tortured and killed right in front of me. Annie, Johanna, Portia, Darius, Lavinia, even the prep team. Most were innocent of the accusations. Torturing them not because they knew anything, Snow knew that they did not have information; rather he did it because they knew us. There is a guilt and anger that cannot be expressed in words when you witness that type of malice firsthand at your expense. The venom let me blame a lot of it on you, but even before they injected me I knew that I shared some responsibility for the tragedy occurring around me. My family died in a bombing that I believed was connected to our actions. The hijacking only helped me divert the anger and helpless I felt. It gave me a face and an enemy. I never intended it to be your face, but then again nobody asked me what I wanted to see after they started the hijacking. Come to think of it, nobody even asked me if I wanted to be part of the rebellion? I was being used from miles away by two different groups without my permission. I am sorry that when I returned I was not myself. Perhaps you become a little harder when you realize how little you mean to others… I was being punished for things beyond my control from all ends. It took the rebels months to want to retrieve me and then it wasn't even because of me. They had end goals to obtain. My return was crucial to their goal achievement. My survival was not critical. They did not rescue me because the wanted me safe" he cries as his tears scald his face.

"I wanted you safe. I needed you safe" she urges. "If I had only recognized earlier what Snow was doing, I would have made them get you sooner. I was so lost without you. I could not see how I could save you. I did not realize that I held the power to save you. There were no berries in this new arena. I couldn't see a way out of the darkness without you. And they were all too distracted by their plans for the Mockingjay to see that I never really had a voice without you. I might have been able to stop the birds with my voice but it was your words that made everyone want to sing… I was the face but you were the heart" her voice wavering with each confession.

"I know you did. Well, I know that now. Do you still need me?" he says as she wipes away a tear from his face.

"I'll need you…" she whispers as he turns his cheek into her hand barely grazing his lips to it. "Always"… she promises.


	5. a pearl

_Please remember, I do not own either the characters/plots/words of either Suzanne Collins who wrote the Hunger Games Series. All rights belong to her. She owns and deserves all the credit for those. I am merely inspired by her amazing works._

Thank you again for the kind reviews and the alerts. They truly do help encourage and inspire me to continue writing.

Ch 5

She drops her hand in shock. Well not shock, but surprise. It was always him that comforted her casually. Where was this reflexive hand gesture coming from? She never made herself this vulnerable unless threatened by something big. Sure she could comfort him out of a flashback, but that was a necessity to ensure their safety. This gesture was something different. She could feel it in the pit of her stomach. Those smoldering embers in her heart that flair every now and then when they touch. Why now, was she losing her battle to keep her mind and heart safe? She knew it was only a matter of time …she needed more time. Why was there time always so out of their control? Why could he illicit such a reaction out of her?

He has experienced something like this moment before. It was long ago, he remembers it being late and perhaps in her bedroom? No, that wouldn't be right - why would a moment like that happen in her room? But he knows it is their safe word. It is the word that brings them back from the brink. He is beginning to remember how it felt when that exchange took on so much meaning… when she first rescued him back from the brink that night in the Capitol. It is not something that is shared amongst them casually. There is always some catalyst behind it. It has to be some uncontrolled state filled with raw emotion, a life or death, or in an extremely relaxed state. The morphling! That is it - after he helped her that night she hurt her ankle. It was the night she asked him to stay with her without any prompting or nightmares. This was the night he promised her _always. _But in that moment, there were no overt threats it was just the two of them. She had wanted him to stay despite everything. She had wanted him to stay. Not just needed him to stay as he has felt so many other nights. There was a desire and a want there that is promising now. He may get his answers. This may be the night that the walls actually stay down. She seems ready. They seem ready. There is no one or nothing pressuring them in this moment. Just memories and words shared amongst each other. Just a brief moment of honesty long overdue, but before he can get distracted by the electricity that seems to be floating around them he redirects the conversation.

"Us needing each other was probably true then, just as it is now. I spent a lot of time in District 13 thinking about you. The highjacking did not leave me much else to fixate on. Our conversation after Finnick & Annie's wedding felt like the first real conversation we had had. We were cruel and mean, but it felt honest. The animosity I felt at that time seemed real. It was after we finally met again in the cafeteria that I began to realize I was angrier with others than with you. I think I was more upset that I had not only lost you, but I had lost myself. The person that was leading that conversation was not me. It was pretty evident to most people that I was not completely in control after I visually fell apart into my dueling personalities after Delly yelled at me. My memories were so confusing. I could not distinguish them from one another. I kept on having all these nagging visions that were not shiny at all, yet I could not place if they were real or imagined. There were very few people that I could ask for confirmation. So much of what we actually shared was not really publicized for the world. People thought they knew us from the tapes, yet they weren't really thorough in their portrayal. Between the unsure visions of trains and pearls, I almost longed for the nightmares; at least I could explain those. Whenever, I felt completely gone I would remember this pearl and it would somehow bring me back from the abyss. I accepted that I may never understand everything that happened on the train. But I could not place why this pearl was special to me…. It was not part of anything I could remember from our time before the rebellion. Yet, all I could remember was that somehow the pearl was connected to you, which only frustrated me more. Especially when you were not there to answer so many questions and I seemed to be consumed with anger when you actually did talk to me." Peeta was not sure how this confession was playing.

How could he not remember the pearl? She was so confused wasn't that part of the quarter quell coverage? Had they actually managed to get a private moment in the games? If she had known he could not remember the pearl would she have tried to remind him? She is too tired to work out what her angle would have been so she just blurts out the first thing that comes to her mind. "I was trying to protect us. No, that's not really accurate. I was trying to protect me. I had lost you too many times. I couldn't go through it again. I gave up trying to find you, which was wrong of me. But I never let you go and I held onto our pearl for dear life until I could find the courage to find you again."

"Wait, there was a pearl?" Had his memory actually been honest with him? Had he actually remember something that was not just his imagination or his memory's positive spin on the truth? His eyes squinting with disbelief. "What? I gave you a pearl. I remember a locket but not a pearl. How would I have given you a pearl?"

She really does not understand how he or the Capitol missed this. But it appears that they must have. It was too good of a moment for them not to monopolize on it. May be they thought it was meaningless after I barely accepted his locket. "It was in the shellfish we ate one of those last nights. You realized that I was not going to accept your locket for the reasons you wanted. The next day you found a pearl and gave it to me. I accepted it willingly as your last present. I hoped that it would make it back to you when they returned my body to District 12. It wasn't part of the videos they showed you of the quarter quells?" her questioning tone permeating through the air.

"No, the video collection was not complete in the District 13. By the time, I was in the burn unit they were trying to minimize the videos. But I remember the locket both from the videos and my memory. I remember thinking it was my best ammunition against you. I knew that you were trying to save me but I also knew how much you loved your family. You had so much more to return to..." Peeta truthfully believed it at the time.

"Obviously not that much for either my Mother or Gale…" she mumbled under her breath.

"Regardless, I meant what I said that night. I would have nothing to return to if you were not here." He insists. "Of course, post-rebellion that is truer than anyone of us could have imagined. Nevertheless, at that time you were my life Katniss. At times, I think you still might be. But I knew it was futile to try to convince you with words. We were dead set on saving the each other. We were so stubborn in our stand-off. I almost believed what you said about needing me after that kiss, but then I believed it was just your final effort to prove your point. Either way, that kiss was amazing. I did not even care if it was just to manipulate me again. Visions of it haunted me throughout my recovery it seemed so special and distinct from our other kisses. Only once in the cave had I felt something similar. But the moment was a favorite of the Capitol's torturers. After they go through it, I couldn't figure out anything about it except there was a locket and a kiss. I think that is what made it so hard when I was released and it was so obvious that again you had moved on with Gale. Months of torture and weeks of attempted recovery were useless. I was just as broken as after the first games only now I was mentally scarred with weeks of torture on top of an aching heart. I was invisible to you then just as I was day the Hunger Games train brought us back to District 12. I had gotten my wish that I made on that beach. I just never expected to be around to experience how hollow and angry it would make me feel. It was just absolutely brutal, every minute fluctuating between hating you and wanting you. Between living out the agony of hating both the old me and the new me, I was slowly slipping away into something that was barely recognizable. And yet, whenever I go to hit the bottom, I would see that pearl and gradually I would float back to the present…" he shakes his head trying to escape the misery the still lingers in his head from time to time. "I was so jealous of the way you could just ignore me and move on with your life, and with Gale" He is staring at her. He wants to see her expression when she responds to this statement. He needs to see how much of Gale still remains in those eyes. Even if it had been his wish for her to be happy with Gale, once that forcefield blew up over the arena so did that life he had planned for her. What shocks him as he stares at her is how little her eyes change. There is no longing; there is not an ounce of Gale there. Her grey eyes are reflecting back his blue eyes, piercing him with something he can't quite describe, almost hurt or regret?

"I never moved on with Gale. He was my friend and at that time I needed friends. But as the war went on we drifted away further and further from each other. I thought that he would provide me solace, but instead I simply found myself longing for something else. We were not the children that we were so many years ago when we clung to each other out of mutual need. We were so far from it, I could barely identify with him anymore. Our world was shifting so quickly, it was hard to see where we stood with each other anymore. I did not move on with him. I could barely even put one foot in front of each other. For so long I as a directionless lost soul. I was stumbling. Gale just helped me from falling off the cliff. It was not what you thought or even what it appeared to be…. And your pearl, it saved me more than Gale on so many more occasions. I carried it around as a reminder of the boy I had lost. I knew I would not be able to find him, but I needed him so badly. It's why I held onto the pearl. Even during that last mission. I had it with me. I knew that even if you couldn't remember us. I could still take a piece of us to protect us." She replies without hesitation.

"But, that was how it felt to me at the time. You sought his comfort and friendship, while you avoided me like the plague. I was too unstable to see what Prim had tried so hard to teach me, that there were different shades to everyone's relationship. The old Peeta knew that the world was not black and white. The new Peeta struggled to not live in absolutes. I thought that I was totally abandoned again. When Finnick gave me that rope, he tried to help me understand how life had become. He showed me that even though you think you are tying the same knot every time there is variation in the outcome. We cannot live life by guarantees or absolutes. The only thing promised to us is change. We are constantly on shifting sands, but if we hold our rope strong enough we may just save ourselves knot by knot. When he suggested the real or not real game I began to see how there were very little things that could be answered in such absolutes. Gradually, certain qualities of the original Peeta began to stick even for just few minutes. I felt such relief that maybe my life would never be as certain as it once was, but at least the fog was beginning to clear. Knot by knot I was finding my way back. Each real or not real brought me closer to who I might be… You have no idea what that feels like" He smiles now remembering the hope he felt in some of those minutes even if it was only remembering that he liked to double knot his shoes or that his favorite color was sunset orange.

"But I do know…" Now she surprises him.


	6. the bread

_Please remember, I do not own either the characters/plots/words of either Suzanne Collins who wrote the Hunger Games Series. All rights belong to her. She owns and deserves all the credit for those. I am merely inspired by her amazing works._

Thank you again for the kind reviews and the alerts. They truly do help encourage and inspire me to continue writing.

Ch 6

"Every step that you took brought you closer back to me. To Finnick, I will always be eternally grateful. He not only saved your life more than once. But I never realized until this moment that I also owe him for bringing you back to me. And without him, I would also not be here. Since your return to 12, it was your help that brought me closer and closer back to myself. There might have been more cheese buns than ropes, but the results are the same. After my sister's death I was so lost and you helped save me, I would be dead without you" she stutters on the barely audible last few words. "But still, that does not explain how or when you able to shake off the venom enough to risk your life to save my sister… Now I need to know… please" she pleads.

"I have been asked that question by many people. The doctors and I think that the best answer is during the final mission itself. As I mentioned, I was beginning to question whether I might be returning to myself. There were too many coincidences too many knowing and hopeful looks from people, including you. I would find myself reflected back and found that you were not as repulsed by them. But we think it finally broke when I saw myself on television during that last mission. Seeing the monster that I had become somehow caused something in me to crack. It's like the final effects of the hijacking broke away. And I wanted out. I wanted to give up. I wanted to give into the guilt that I felt in that moment when I realized all the bad that I had done. The Capitol Peeta would have rejoiced in my actions, but there was no joy in that moment only shame. But you would not let me give up that night. I wanted to kill myself in some many ways not just to end the guilt I felt, but to protect you. That is one I began to believe that the true Peeta may just stick around. Just like you gave me strength that night to overcome the demons of guilt and pain, I will be there to help you not give up now. We did not fight so hard those times in the battles and arenas to give up. We will have to find some other way to repay our debts but it will not be through our defeat. I discovered during that mission that it would be possible for me to hope again. I hoped that one day I would salvage the original Peeta and vanquish the mutt version. But I did not realize how very long a journey to recovery and forgiveness can be. Having you here makes the journey easier to travel. I'm sorry that your sister cannot be here in this world to join us on this journey. But you know her spirit is always with us." He wants to hold her hand. He wants his warmth to penetrate her insecurities. He wants her to feel that what he says is the truth. But she has that distant look in her face again. Just like the moment before the berries, he is talking but she is not really listening.

"But when, when did you know?" She is fixated on the time line. So often during that last mission she saw glimpses of the old Peeta. Was it more than coincidence? … So many moments seemed to be more like the original Peeta, than the version we had come to know. There was the desperation in his eyes, the can of lamb stew, his perfectly timed compliment to Pollux, his memory of the first games, his refusal to let me be bait for Snow, even the way he pushed me through the sewers when the mutts were attacking – so much of these moments were like old Peeta. And if he was back why didn't I see it she thinks. All of these thoughts are fluttering through her brain. She is beginning to feel dizzy and lightheaded again just like the old days.

"When you kissed me" he states. And with that she needs to sit down. He helps her back to the soft ground. Her eyes are bulging with shock and questions. He kneels down next to her, hoping he explanation will answer all those little daggers that are flickering from her eyes.

"Yes, Katniss. I had the sensation that the hijacking was clearing in the apartments. But when you gave me the ultimatum to either follow or be knocked out, I knew I had to proceed carefully. I had just lost control minutes before. I might have felt closer to myself but there were still lack of control issues. I was so thankful when you allowed me to keep on the handcuffs. They helped physically center me in the moment which helped me maintain my focus. But when you kissed me I realized that I felt it, not some corrupt version of myself. It was me, I was still in there and it was worth trying to keep him present always. The fight would not be easy, but it was no longer meaningless. It was worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears. That was when I renewed my promise to protect you always. When the bombs and the fire exploded in the square, I knew I had to get there. I didn't understand why at the time, but I knew I had to try. I thought if I could save her, I could save you, and thereby by the opportunity to redeem myself. I was trying to find forgiveness for what I did. She was an unfortunate casualty of the mission, like Finnick, Boggs and the others. Most days, I feel that I failed her and you. But in so many ways, we did not fail because we tried. Prim and the others died being heroes. They died trying to make this world a better place. We could not save them, there was nothing more than any of us could have done beyond try. And that morning of the assassination I finally realized why trying to save her meant so much to me. Why promising you always meant so much that day and every day since then…" he explains as he swipes a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"What did you realize?" She has become mesmerized by his lips. How she longs to touch them and yet how she is so scared at the same time. If she surrenders her heart and he disappears again, what will happen to her? Recounting these events has only made potentiated the fear she is feeling. It is so perfect now, why does he need to ruin it with his ever questions and professions.

"Love. I realized love is a powerful force with so many different manifestations. I loved your sister for being who she was. There was love for Finnick and Bogg who protected and rescued us even when it cost them their lives. I realized that there are so many forms of love that even in death and destruction you can feel its presence and absence. Most of all, I realized I truly loved you. It's odd; it is almost as if the hijacking helped in a small way. After the torture was over, picking apart the false memories from the true memories made me realize what I had loss but also what I stood to gain. I began to see that underneath the fake layer we put up for the cameras there was truly a solid foundation of something there. I truly believe that it is love. The way we are with each other it was more than just something for the cameras. Although I will say there was a lot of fluff there. What we had was something deeper. We still do now in this life we created, it is more than just convenience. I did not know it until that morning when I recognized that it might disappear again if you took that pill. I realized in that moment that I could not lose you, that I could not let go of you. It took months of therapy to figure out why. I just knew in that moment that your survival was somehow once again linked to my survival. I guess it always was since the first reaping…" As he utters these words he sends a silent prayer, please be listening. He could hear their hearts beating faster and faster. Let our minds and our souls finally be open to what these words mean.

She can feel her heart skipping faster and faster. Is it fear? Is it love? How can she not know in this moment, but then her senses have been off since she returned to District 12. "Your life has always meant so much more to me since before then. Back when you were reaped, I knew that I would always be plagued by my decisions. I thought how horribly the odds were not in my favor that day. It was because of you that my sister and I were alive and yet I promised her that I would return. I began to realize that there was no way for either of us to survive the arena. Especially after you saved me from Cato, how was I ever going to repay you? Every cannon I prayed to not see your face that night during the anthem. And yet if someone else killed you, my life and time in the arena would be so much easier. I would not be responsible for your death, but would that even matter? When they changed the rules, I was happy because I was beginning to realize how I could not live without you. I did not understand my motivations or emotions during that time beyond wanting to save both our lives. I played our romance for the cameras at your expense. I'm sorry. I never fully considered your feelings. I was honest when I said I was confused on the train. But I want you to know it was not all a lie, even if I was not fully aware of what I was feeling. There were moments in the cave when I felt something deep inside. If I you were killed, I knew I would never truly return to home. There was no home without the boy with the bread. I realize now that the berries were not so really rebellious, but so much more..." Her tears now silencing her words.

The bread again. His eyes rolled without his consent. How were we back at the bread again?


	7. dandelions

_Please remember, I do not own either the characters/plots/words of either Suzanne Collins who wrote the Hunger Games Series. All rights belong to her. She owns and deserves all the credit for those. I am merely inspired by her amazing works._

_Thanks again for all the reviews & alerts they mean SO much to me. I might have to take a little break from editing the next few chapters. I am trying to study for my neuro nursing certification and what started out as little breaks to my fanfiction to do some simple editing turns into long periods of distraction which get me completely off my study plan. If only the Hunger Games was going to be on the test, I would be golden. I will get back to this story as soon as I can find more discipline. _

Ch 7

Luckily she missed the eye roll. He knows that would not have gone over well.

"Yes …. the bread again…." She sighs. "Peeta - that sacrifice you made for me so many years ago meant everything to me. It meant hope. It meant survival. I might have not have been able to show it then, but it meant my life and my family's life. Without you, we would not have been alive."

"You might…" he tries to interrupt.

"No, Peeta. I would not have. I was so scared that day if I touched the ground; I would not be able to get up and would just vanish into the peaceful waiting arms of death. But then you threw me those loaves. I was so indebted to you. I did not know how to thank you. How do you thank someone for saving your life when you don't even know each other? And then time moved so quickly, as it always does. I would often see you and think that I should just say it … but so much time had passed. When I would see your eyes flit over to me, I would try to avoid them out of shame. That first debt is so hard to pay back, especially considering our differences, you from the Town and me from the Seam. Our perspectives can be so different…" she said shaking her head.

"That first afternoon, when I caught your eyes and looked away I got distracted by the dandelions. I remembered my father and his lessons on edible plants. Between the bread and the memory, I found hope again. Not only did you give me the bread, but you gave me back a piece of my father. I was so grateful to you in that moment. After that time, I would pick dandelions, making wishes on them hoping to find a way to repay you as I blew the little seedlings into the air. But with each little piece that blew away I knew I would never find the perfect way. But with each seedling that flew away, little bits of gratitude and hope were spreading throughout the district. Now when I see them, I can't help but think of you and that day. Bread and dandelions intertwined forever bringing survival and hope. I don't think you understand how deeply it affected me…" Moisture was beginning to well in her eyes again. No - she thinks I have to tell him this. I cannot let my emotions distract me this time. I have to gain control. She swallows deeply before she continues.

"When you were captive, I did not know what to do. I was so lost. While you were being tortured in the Capitol, I would roam District 13 trying to find places to escape. Escape the guilt of leaving you, of missing you… I would find these hiding places and stay until someone forced me to return. That night when they aired your first interview with Caesar, I began to feel a little bit of hope again seeing that you were alive. Knowing that there may be a way to save you helped me decide to become the Mockingjay. I knew I had to protect you even if I could not reach you in the Capitol. I knew there could be no ceasefire, that it would not bring you home or protect you from the Rebels. People were so against you for suggesting it. Prim made me see that it was in the Mockingjay's power to save you and the other victors, it may have been the only way. But then on the screen you began to deteriorate and your interviews became so frightening to watch. By the time you warned us about the bomb, I was so scared for you. I could no longer survive without knowing you were safe and sound. Finnick helped to stabilize me through the knot tying, but it still could not shake this feeling you were being hurt because of me. After the bombing, they tried to get us to film another video, but it never happened. I couldn't do it and had a major breakdown, followed soon by Finnick. We fell apart right in front of everyone. I couldn't be the Mockingjay if it meant they would hurt you because of it. I felt so powerless, I missed you so much. They sedated me and went off to rescue you. And when you returned I was relieved, I thought we could find our way back. Perhaps it would be like the beach. I imagined hugs and kisses, not strangulation. But the Peeta I knew did not return. He was stolen way from me. I became so angry with everyone but mostly myself. All those months, I spent taking you and your good nature for granted finally caught up with me. Haymitch was right, I could have spent a thousand lifetimes and not deserved you. Now the Capitol was returning me what I deserved. A Peeta that finally saw the real me and I hated that. I hated knowing that you were right to hate me. It hurt more than the neck bruises, losing you Peeta. Since I had failed to protect you, I knew I needed to let you go before we hurt each other anymore. There were already so many people gone because of me… but you were perhaps the hardest in my mind. I could not live with the pain or the guilt. I truly never thought I was going to get you back." With each word spoken she feels a little bit of weight lift off her shoulders. Until she feels his warm arms wrap around her, bringing her a comfort and warmth only the original Peeta can ~ encouraging her to go on.

"You were so changed, so different. The new Peeta scared me. But I was responsible for your alteration, for enabling the Capitol to torture you. You were lost on my watch. I was impossible to be around you without being consumed by anger, regret or guilt. That was why I distanced myself. It was wrong. But at the time, I was too numb to differentiate so much. Nothing felt right. It still doesn't feel right. So many people gone because of my actions, guilt and remorse fill my days. Still needing to distance myself from everyone even now, the guilt is too much for me. I'm not as strong as I once was, I can't separate emotions from my life like I did before the Games. Most days I feel too broken to carry on. Too broken to fix, I have become unfixable. I'm not just lost anymore. I'm a lost cause, no sense in trying to find me now."

Peeta felt her body stiffen and tears form deep inside of her long before he felt the confirmatory tears on his arms.


End file.
